Stress Certainly Can Take Many Forms.

I was vacationing in Washington D.C. shortly before daylight saving time ended in November.  Even after a month, I have yet to return to my regular sleep rhythm. For starters, I get really sleepy after 7pm and wake up wee hours in the morning. I tried sleeping later whether 8pm, 9pm, 10pm or even 11pm, it does not help. I wake up between 2am to 4am and can't get back to sleep. I tried Melatonin  and that did not help. Also, I can't seem to sleep beyond 7 hours straight. I am sleep deprived.

My boyfriend told me I am stressed out thus the abnormal sleep pattern. Stress does manifest in different ways for me and unfortunately I am slow at figuring it out myself.  

I remembered it took me 9 months before I understood why I was crying frequently a week before my period. Instead of getting angsty during that time which is normal, I can't suppressed my tears.  The crying stopped the moment I knew I was not working for a bully leader. 

Earlier this year, I was coughing a lot, I tried off the counter cough medicine, took antibiotic and even a chest X-ray.  I continued to cough regularly. I tried homeopathic remedies: Concoction no. 1 was the  banana, honey and black pepper. Concoction no. 2 was boiled milk with garlic and black pepper. Concoction no. 3 was tea with honey, turmeric and clove.  Concoction no. 1 and 3 were pretty nice. Concoction no. 2 was pungent and will definitely not be my go to remedy. My cough did eventually taper off and along the same time I have decided that I need to seek out other job opportunities.  

A culmination of reasons has lead me to my decision to seek other opportunities: the change in leadership, the vision of the new leadership, feeling excluded, not appreciated and many more. I am grateful to come to this realization which is painful but important. I have been in the role for 6 years and things are starting to get stale. I had tried to focus on the good things and happy thoughts. I tried to look at things from a fresh perspective. While I have a great team of direct reports, my job does not energize me anymore. If I am genuinely not motivated, I cannot truthfully motivate my team. I want to work for someone who I can look up to, someone I can respect and I want to get back to the time when work was fun and rewarding. 

By the way, I read many articles about craving out time for work, family, community and self so one can me whole or happy. I tried to focus more on myself and friends, it helped a bit but it does not move the needle. Ultimately, my first priority is my job. As long as I don't feel good about the job front, I cannot be truly happy. 

Back to my erratic sleep pattern and as a result of that sleep deprivation which I have not quite figured it out yet. I suspect it may be a culmination of events. My anger towards my roommate who put a wedge in my moving schedule, my house renovation is progressing slowly and I am still in the midst of my job search. I had applied for 2 jobs of very different discipline.  Both jobs were very attractive in their own special way.  I was told I was not selected for one of the jobs. It took me a day or two before I truly felt the impact of the news. What a bummer! Naturally, I have the inclination that I will not get the other job too. Typically, human tendency to focus on the negative. Well, I am only human.

Yesterday, I stumbled onto Elizabeth Gilbert's TedTalk presentation -

Elizabeth Gilbert - Success, Failure and the Drive To Keep Creating. I love it. It is inspiring and will be my guiding post as I get through this career hump in my life. I will definitely come back to this video time and time again. It reminds me to stay true to myself. From the job front, my true vocation is to be technical even when I lead a team. I really needed this talk and I am grateful that I stumbled onto it. I am keeping my fingers' cross on the second job application. Even if I were not selected for the second job, I will feel despair and rejection. But it is alright. I will go through the flow of emotions and look at other options. By the way, I think every 30-year old should read Eat, Pray, Love. 

I Am Learning To Juggle

A shift in perspective certainly broadens the way I react to situations. Like any normal being, I am predisposed to negativity and am partial to negative outcomes. I challenged myself to a 21-day grateful diet where I took the time to pay tribute and to express gratitude to events that surrounded my life both the good and the bad. It is a worthwhile exercise.

A week prior to my Washington D.C. vacation with my boyfriend, I was busy meeting contractors during lunch time to get quotes for home remodeling. One contractor came highly recommended by a colleague as she has a good experience with the contractor. To her, he listens and his quote is reasonable. I had a grand plan for my remodeling project, it was almost a makeover for the entire house. Like any first time homeowner, I quickly came to the realization I have to cut back due to cost and practicality. Sadly, I am destined to put my dream of a white french kitchen on hold perhaps until I move in with my boyfriend.

The first contractor has grounded me about my remodeling dreams at the same time, I also realized we don't see things eye to eye. While I appreciated his perspective, he did not grasp  what is important to me in the remodeling project. To him, my project is a pie in the sky. Too frivolous and totally unnecessary. I trimmed my list before meeting the second contractor. I liked his demeanor and overall a good feeling about him for the job. He was referred by my realtor where he has remodeled her client's home. I did not have time to do a referral check and he would most definitely be my plan B. The third contractor,Steve was a referral from my friend, Chris. I picked Steve because of Chris would help me negotiate the quote, Chris has employed Steve to remodeling his rental houses and Steve wants to make things nice and practical at the same time.

While I was on my multiple museum visits, I was also finalizing the renovation quote with Chris. We went back and forth texting about the details.I am glad that we agreed on the price and timing. I am grateful for my boyfriend for being so understanding. I can be difficult and a very difficult person to live with. At the beginning of the vacation, I was lamenting over and over again about the things I have to do and how everything seems to happen at the same time- the renovation, vacation and new opportunities at work. While these are all goodness, I viewed them as chores, mundane to-dos. I could not see things on the bright side. I was so full of myself. I acted foolishly and was such a whiner. It took me a while to realize how fortunate I am to have choices and the ability to do the things I do. These privileges did not fell out of the sky, I had to put a lot of effort to get to this point. It is a nice place to be when there is options.

Also while I was vacationing in D.C., my roommate emailed me to find out about my schedule to move out. Based on his email, it was apparent to me that he has found a place and wants to move quickly. This definitely threw a monkey wrench to my plan. I am beyond furious with him. My first thought is he votes with his penis now that he has a new girlfriend. These days I feel like an intruder in my own home as I have unfortunately overheard his girlfriend loud gasping and moaning during coitus at different hours of the day and night. It is a few times too many. A close friend remarked that if I were a male, I would high five him instead of feeling disgruntled. While sex is a normal part of life, I am not into fraternity lifestyle. Sorry, I digress. Based on our last conversation, he decided not to move with me but to take over the lease for two months more before he decides what to do since he is really busy. With his timing in mind, I plan to move out mid January because I have allocated time delay in renovation and I will be away for Christmas. Now, I have to bring forward the move. I am grateful that I have friends to take me in for a month should the renovation be delayed. I am relieved I have a plan before speaking to my roommate.

I am thankful for my understanding boyfriend, friends and renewed views on events in life. It is just another day and note to self,  plan changes all the time.

Grateful Diet - Final Day 21

I decided to challenge myself to the Grateful Diet for 21 days suggested in this link 

http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/10/how-to-use-gratitude-to-get-rich/.

Like anything else, practice makes perfect. To hone one's skill, one must practice regularly. 

Whether it is yoga or rock climbing or gratitude, these activities have to be done regularly to stay in tuned and to benefit from it. As I reflect on the 21-day journey, the practice of gratitude helped me to broaden my perspectives and be more appreciative of whatever that is revolving around me.  

I am grateful that I stuck out with the challenge. I am grateful to www.blogger.com , without writing my grateful diet on a public website, there is a high chance I would have dropped the practice within the first week. 

Grateful Diet - Day 20

My plate is full.  I received key to the house from the realtor on Sunday.  I have been busy meeting contractors daily to view and provide me the quote for remodeling before I leave for vacation tomorrow. At first, I had grand ideas like remodeling the kitchen to have white cabinets with black soapstone countertop and white subway tiles for the backsplash, remodel the bathrooms entirely and the list go on and on.  After I got a sense of the renovation cost, I am more grounded now.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to dream and think big, grand and luxurious. 

As day goes by, after speaking to different contractors, my renovation list has dwindled significantly and focused on the high priorities only. I am meeting another contractor this afternoon who is a referral from a close friend. I am looking forward to shortlist the contractor for the job and move on to the next phrase. I am grateful to get referrals from people I trust and now it boils down to picking one from the list. 

Grateful Diet - Day 19

All in all is was a good at work. A few weeks back, I was presented with the opportunity to apply for a new role within my company. The job requisition is finally approved and I was encouraged to apply. The hiring manager provided me some guidance on things that I should add to drive the discussions with the interviewers. Today, I was presented with another job opportunity and was encouraged to apply for the role. I am grateful and humble by the opportunities ahead of me. 

We are all free agents in corporate america. It is imperative to fend and fight for ourselves. If thing does not go well, the onerous is on us to fix it and face it head on. I had an epiphany moment when I read about employees are free agents in "What got you here won't get you there" by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith. I am grateful to myself for not sitting around and let others dictate my work life. I am grateful that I went out of my comfort zone to seek out new job opportunities. While I have ways to go before I find a new job, I grateful that I took the step to reach out to others.  

Grateful Diet - Day 18

I sprained my ankle and even after 2 months, it still impedes my ability to assume the lotus pose or to complete the sequence for shoulder stand. A coworker swears on acupuncture as the best solution for sports related injury.  I went his recommended Chinese physician for acupuncture. I left my belongings on the table and proceed to lie down on a massage table. After he massaged my left ankle, he applied a few needles and electrotherapy around my ankle. I lay on the massage table without my phone for a good 30-minute. I am grateful from the short respite away from my cell. I was thinking about home remodeling without the constant interruption of checking my phone. It is good to break away at least for awhile. 

Grateful Diet - Day 17

Work life balance is a bunk. The current fab is work life integration. A more realistic approach about integrating work with other facets of life - home or family, community and self. When I was younger, work was really important. It was important compare to other aspect of my life because I want to be financial independent, I want to crave out a career and I want to be successful. When work wasn't going my way, I have been devastated thinking that I do not have options, I am stuck period.

I have changed. I have learned that there is more to life than work. And most importantly, there is always other options. It is imperative to surround myself with people of the same beliefs and passion. I have spread out my focus between work, home, community and self. I am grateful that I went down this path.

Work is not rosy at the moment, I feel that I am not being challenged, I roll my eyes when I am on conference calls with certain people at work. I am not eager to suggest improvements. I feel stifled after the new organization is in placed. In the past, I would hate myself and drown in misery and self-pity. I am grateful that I take a different perspectives. While I continue to do what I was told at work, I am actively looking for opportunities and talking to people about interesting opportunities. My other aspect of life is keeping me sane until I can change my working condition. I am grateful for the new perspective.