There is more of you to be loved in this world

I just returned from a short vacation with my boyfriend. We have a long distance relationship: I am in California and he is in Amsterdam. Despite the distance, our relationship is steady and has been going strong for the past six years. After every get together, I reaffirmed my commitment to the relationship. It just feels right despite everything. It is a worthwhile endeavor.

He is quite the gentleman and an avid reader. I am envious of him as he can easily get lost in books, newspapers or anything online and consequently, lost track of time. He is a renaissance man and I called him my walking wikipedia.  He has a knack at knowing what to say in a very nice way while getting the message accross.

Being in my forties, my waistline is widening and my craving for dessert seems to be growing in parallel to my waistline. I have been trying to reduce the muffin top situation and have not seen any improvement. In fact it has gotten worse in the last 3 months.

My loving boyfriend took notice and in an endearing fashion ( with a cheeky grin)  told me that there is more of me to be loved in this world.  How can I be offended but love him a little more.

It is a long time coming... forward backbend.

My hands were together in front of my chest and legs shoulder length apart. I inhaled a deep breathe,  expanded my lungs, took another deep inhale, lengthened my chest and moved my hips towards the front then as I exhaled, looked back , raised my arms , saw the floor and planted my hands on the floor. After getting into the upward bow posture, I swung back-and-forth a few times and inhaled as I swung out with the intention to gain momentum to bring myself to the standing position.

When I am successful, as I exhaled, my body should naturally come back to the standing position. I failed more times than I can remember. There are many reasons. It could be that  I failed to engage my legs when I am getting ready to move to standing. It could be that I didn't move my hip forward enough to get to standing. It could be that psychologically I told myself I can't do it. It could also be sum of all the above. One more reason, it could also be that I am distracted with other things in life and not be in the moment.

I have practiced with many experienced teachers and received a lot of good pointers as they guided me through the pose. Besides my regular yoga teacher , there are visiting teachers a few times a year at the studio where I practice Ashtanga Yoga.  They observed me and provided me pointers afterwards. They were nurturing, nonjudgmental and patience as I worked on the pose. I am been told to relax and to not overthink the pose. I am grateful to all the advice bestowed to me.

I put two and two together and mindfully completed the pose.  I did not do it out of brute force. I did not blindly go through pose without worrying about the result. I went through the pose in my head where I also incorporated the breathing sequence. My hands were together in front of my chest and legs shoulder length apart. I took a deep inhale and raised both my arms. As I exhaled, move my hip forward, arched my back, looked at the floor and landed my hands in a control manner. Then with one inhalation as I swung out my arms then on one exhalation, engaged my legs, moved my hip forward and let my vertebrate stacked up naturally. I wasn't hurrying myself and just let nature takes its course. I stand upright. It is a long time coming and glad I did it today.

This pose has thought me to relax and not to overthink the sequence. I have to trust myself and that there is no need to hurry through the pose. Most importantly, I enjoyed the sense of calmness as I work through the pose. My breathe is guiding me all along and I finally realized that. Indeed, it is a long time coming.

End of Experiment - Letting go of CRV refund.

Have you noticed when you purchase beverage in recyclable bottles,  there is a CRV deposit paid on sales ? I drink San Pellegrino sparkling water and I get mine from Costco. I believe there are 12 bottles per box so this comes up to $1.20 deduction for CRV.  I wonder how much am I paying for CRV deposits each year.  The recycling center is close to my home so I thought I will experiment for a year.

What I meant by experiment is collecting recyclable bottles and cans for a year. I wanted to know how much refund can I get by recycling. I placed two large recycled bags from Daiso in my pantry. I collected all the bottles and cans labeled with CA CRV for a year or more.

When I filled the two bags with recycled plastic water bottles and San Pellegrino bottles, I went to the recycling center. I stood in line, a long line. I recalled standing behind an old Chinese woman, she was giving me pointers on what to do: unscrew the bottle caps and flatten the bottles. I supposed I looked out of place. Clearly, I was new in the recycling business. For a moment, I remembered feeling proud of being a Chinese who embodied the virtue of being hardworking and frugal. She had many ginormous bags filled with meticulously flattened bottles and cans. She probably accumulated $100 with of refund. I had 2 small bags compared to hers. After queuing for at least 45 minutes, my refund was around $11 plus. I thought it was a good first attempt.

Did I mention a long line? There was a hispanic woman with a shopping chart filled with recycled bottles glass and plastics. There was also a scrawny looking man in his beat up bicycle. He cycled by with some recycling finds, took a spot in the line by planting his stash then swished off to seek for more recyclable bottles and cans in the neighborhood.

I just brought my house and therefore money was tight. For the first time in many years, I was watching my spending. I do not spend frivolously just free to spend without putting much thought. I did not shop for new clothes or new shoes for almost a year. I was deliberate in my spending. I also discovered a convenient place to get my refund with short lines. Now that I looked back, my circumstances at that point made it acceptable to wait in line to get a  $11 dollar.

Fast forward a few months, I changed my job and my financial situation improved. I continued to collect  recyclable bottles and cans.  The regular place where I get my refund was closed permanently. I had to go to different spot, back to the place that I went for my first refund. The line was long and it was a hot sweltering afternoon. I was determined to off load the stuff so I stayed in line. I had wine bottles. Apparently, these bottles are not labeled CA CRV. But I really don't care however the people in the line seem distraught about my stash of non-CRV bottles. I was being told again and again by different people that those wine bottles won't get me much.  This time round, the crowd was dominated by people that collect recyclable bottles and cans for their livelihood. I stood in line for almost an hour and received less than $6. I could have used my time more wisely than standing in line for $6.

I continued to collect recyclable bottles until yesterday. It was trash day. I don't know what got over me. I decided to put all the recyclable bottles into the recyclable trash bin. I felt like a load off my shoulders.  I am officially ending my experiment. Now I know I put around $20 worth of recyclable bottles and cans into the trash bin.

Christmas Tree Topper

This is my third Christmas spent in Amsterdam with one of my favorite persons in the world. For someone in a long distance relationship, I cherish the time I am with my boyfriend. It is especially special when we get to be together in the same place to close the year out and welcome the new year with hopeful anticipations for a better year than before. Every year, my boyfriend embellishes his home with a Christmas tree to usher in the holiday seasons. 

Over the years, my boyfriend has made significant stride with the Christmas tree. He started with a hand-me-down fake Christmas tree, ornamental garland with red and silver colored tinsel and multi colored Christmas bauble in different sizes and to top it off a red finial to adorn the tree top. Yes, it was a hand-me-down, Nothing matches in my opinion. The red garland, the thin strips of material was too long thus it looked out of place resting on the fake tree.The silver garland was too iridescent, it did not mimic the effect of ice as it was supposed to do. In fact, the garlands overwhelmed the entire tree. The baubles took the backseat on this tree.  Also, I could not comprehend why one would top a tree with such an ugly looking tree topper. 

The cone shaped topper is called Christmas finial. According to my love, the tree is representative of Christmas and there is nothing wrong with the finial. While his son was playing near the tree, he accidentally smashed into the tree, it toppled and broke the red finial. That's the demise of the red finial.

I had proposed to get a real Christmas tree the following year. Respectfully, my love pledged his  support for the environment by not purchasing a real tree. Really? Seriously? I didn't know the environmentally conscious side of him.  That was a first. A bystander overheard our conversation and supported my proposal. He was not swayed at all. Fast forward a few months, his daughter suggested getting a real tree. And he conceded just like that. My pleading , begging and rationalizing was inconsequential. It was observed that my suggestions must be supported by others before he takes mine into consideration. Occasionally, I give him a hard time about getting a real tree and more. That's how a real Christmas tree is introduced to his household.

Since then,it is a tradition for us to get a real Christmas tree and to decorate it together.  We were not looking for a perfect symmetrical tree. We picked the first that looks decent. Our Christmas tree decoration is simple and elegant. We reused the lights that came with the hand-me-down tree. We adorned the tree with white and silver beads. Then we added white and silver baubles and some leftover ornaments which must be approved by moi. Christmas finial is commonly found throughout Europe. I wanted to get a star or an angel while the store sold finial only. We purchased a silver finial to replace the red broken one. I also bought an angel ornament that day. The silver finial is still in the box. In lieu of a proper Christmas tree topper, we are using the angel ornament as a stand in until I find the perfect topper.

Whether It is an artificial or a real tree, it is a symbolism of Christmas. A real tree is obviously a preferred way to go at least for me. I am grateful to celebrate the festive season with him and his family. I look forward to do the same many years to come. Perhaps one year I would warm up to a Christmas finial until the it is safely kept in the box.

A 30-Second Bad Cop

A dear friend of mine had told her daughter to behave herself otherwise my boyfriend would be angry.  That's a typical Malaysian and Singaporean response when a child misbehaves in public. An individual will be picked out from the crowd sometimes at random and in this case my boyfriend whom she just met.

My friend could have picked me as the prosecutor of mischief which would be completely fine with me as this is the mode operandi when I was little. From the perspective of a newly minted mischief police aka my boyfriend, he felt that he just drew the short end of the stick. He was quick to absolve himself from being the bad cop to the child. And it was comical to see him put up both hands and shook his head and hands to show his disapproval. On a positive note, he has been introduced to some of the asian ways. I am sure there will be more to come.

Sometimes cops are picked out to scare kids into behaving in public. Supposedly, a child is throwing a tantrum, the parent may frighten the child by telling him or her that the cop would apprehend the child who misbehave. That does not put a good light on cops. It is important for the child to know that cops are there to protect and instill safety. If a child is in danger, he or she must feel safe going to a police for help. Certainly, this method of discipline of ours have some flaw.

Other times, the meanest, ugliest and beastly looking person is targeted for role to scare the child to conform. In Asia unfortunately, dark complexion south Indian men are naturally picked out to scare a child into obedience. Indirectly and while it is harmless from the appearance, we have been discriminating individuals with dark complexion since we are little. People are being judged more by their appearance and unfortunately, perception is often times the reality in the perceivers' eyes.

I know my sister does the same and same goes to a lot of my friends and relatives. We learn from osmosis as we observe our parents and people around us leveraging the same scare tactics. To change, it will take a lot of awareness and commitment before we change this method of discipline. 

Honey, you have my empathy. While I can't guarantee that you will not be subjected to this unjustly position in future. Rest assured, I will speak up for you should you be targeted by my family when they discipline my niece or nephew.

Farewell Alix Tay

On January 30th, while my cousin, Alix was hiking Snow Mountain, the second highest mountain in Taiwan, she fell into the valley. When the rescue team reached her, she had no vital signs. She was pronounced dead in the wilderness far away from home.  As usual, my youngest sister had dutifully shared the tragic news with her siblings via Facebook.

I was shocked by the news as she was an avid hiker and had always showed her utmost respect for mother nature. And she was so young, she was only 42. "How could this had happened to her?", I asked. My 2nd sister had posted news feed about our cousin's tragedy and it donned to me, it was the snow. The snow was her final nemesis. While she was an experienced hiker, snow changed the game. I was sad but I shed no tears. I tried but I just could not shed a tear for her.

She left us a week before our grandmother's birthday celebration and a cousin's wedding and a fortnight before Chinese New Year.  There is never a good time to die. She truly made it difficult for her parents to break the news to grandma. No one can picture how grandma will take the news. She is over 90 and the news would probably stricken her. If she were to be informed about my cousin's demise, I imagined she would cancel her birthday celebration altogether. There will be no birthday nor Chinese New Year celebration this year. At first, the collective decision was to postpone the news until after Chinese New Year and the latest instruction to the family is to hide the news from her for as long as possible.

We spend many Chinese New Year holidays at grandma's house. When I was little, I always look forward for this time of the year. Besides the red packets from aunts and uncles, I look forward to play with my cousins. Alix was the ring leader. She bore the brunt of the mischief created by us cousins since she was also the oldest in the pack. She made the best Maggie Mi curry flavored noodle. She had her own twist in cooking the noodle. Instead of waiting for the water to boil then put in the noodle, she lets the noodle and water boil together. Then she waited patiently for the noodle to cook to perfection. That year, we had supper for most nights at grandma's. She will be remembered as someone who loved to eat and knew the best places to eat in Kuala Lumpur and Petaling Jaya.

She had freckles all over her face. As asian, flawless skin is preferred over freckles. I recalled my mother telling my sister and I that we are fortunate to be born with flawless skin unlike our dear cousin.I did not know what it meant then. I don't know if her freckles bothered her. She also did not have a slim built and I don't know if that bothered her either.  She did not fit into the convention wisdom for physical beauty. We never talked about beauty regimens nor do we talked about relationships.

I had fond memories of my one and only waterfall trekking trip with her. Over a weekend, we went on unpaved roads, we needed a GPS to get to our destination, we slept in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mosquitoes and we showered in the river. We hiked along side a cascade of waterfalls. The water was pristine and the air was fresh. We were far away from civilization. It was an awesome short getaway. I remembered it was raining then, I had my hiking shoes and a waterproof jacket like a proper Californian hiker while she hiked with her sandals and an umbrella. She resembled a plain simple kampung girl. She knew her way around the slippery boulders. I had a magnificent time. Since she was a food connoisseur, the first thing we did when we got back to the city was to fill our appetite at a local restaurant before heading home.

When I want to remember her, I will always go back to the image of her in a t-shirt, shorts and sandals holding her umbrella as she walked in the rain from one boulder to another.

Trying Moments

I am full of anger this morning. I am angry with the situation that I am in at work. I am getting impatient about getting out of this environment.  The two internal jobs that I had applied did not pan out. I am compelled to look outside of the company.  I need to gin up the emotional stamina to go through this ordeal. It sucks that I am working in an environment that is not providing me the kind of job satisfaction that I am looking for. The bottom line is I need to move on and being in the transitional phase is trying.

Yesterday, my immediate superior shared his employee listening feedback and because I had omitted the questionnaires about my immediate boss and the fact that the report requires at least 4 respondents and since he has 4 direct reports only, without my input in the survey, his feedback was incomplete. I was happy for a short moment that I had deprived him of the results. I went back and forth to whether I should I have responded to these specific survey questions instead of just ignoring them. My initial thought was that these were not truly anonymous and chose not to respond. On the hindsight, I just have just responded with politically correct results.

While I look for a new opportunity, I will brace myself to gin up the emotional stamina to take me to the next phrase. Bon Courage!