Trying Moments

I am full of anger this morning. I am angry with the situation that I am in at work. I am getting impatient about getting out of this environment.  The two internal jobs that I had applied did not pan out. I am compelled to look outside of the company.  I need to gin up the emotional stamina to go through this ordeal. It sucks that I am working in an environment that is not providing me the kind of job satisfaction that I am looking for. The bottom line is I need to move on and being in the transitional phase is trying.

Yesterday, my immediate superior shared his employee listening feedback and because I had omitted the questionnaires about my immediate boss and the fact that the report requires at least 4 respondents and since he has 4 direct reports only, without my input in the survey, his feedback was incomplete. I was happy for a short moment that I had deprived him of the results. I went back and forth to whether I should I have responded to these specific survey questions instead of just ignoring them. My initial thought was that these were not truly anonymous and chose not to respond. On the hindsight, I just have just responded with politically correct results.

While I look for a new opportunity, I will brace myself to gin up the emotional stamina to take me to the next phrase. Bon Courage!

Stress Certainly Can Take Many Forms.

I was vacationing in Washington D.C. shortly before daylight saving time ended in November.  Even after a month, I have yet to return to my regular sleep rhythm. For starters, I get really sleepy after 7pm and wake up wee hours in the morning. I tried sleeping later whether 8pm, 9pm, 10pm or even 11pm, it does not help. I wake up between 2am to 4am and can't get back to sleep. I tried Melatonin  and that did not help. Also, I can't seem to sleep beyond 7 hours straight. I am sleep deprived.

My boyfriend told me I am stressed out thus the abnormal sleep pattern. Stress does manifest in different ways for me and unfortunately I am slow at figuring it out myself.  

I remembered it took me 9 months before I understood why I was crying frequently a week before my period. Instead of getting angsty during that time which is normal, I can't suppressed my tears.  The crying stopped the moment I knew I was not working for a bully leader. 

Earlier this year, I was coughing a lot, I tried off the counter cough medicine, took antibiotic and even a chest X-ray.  I continued to cough regularly. I tried homeopathic remedies: Concoction no. 1 was the  banana, honey and black pepper. Concoction no. 2 was boiled milk with garlic and black pepper. Concoction no. 3 was tea with honey, turmeric and clove.  Concoction no. 1 and 3 were pretty nice. Concoction no. 2 was pungent and will definitely not be my go to remedy. My cough did eventually taper off and along the same time I have decided that I need to seek out other job opportunities.  

A culmination of reasons has lead me to my decision to seek other opportunities: the change in leadership, the vision of the new leadership, feeling excluded, not appreciated and many more. I am grateful to come to this realization which is painful but important. I have been in the role for 6 years and things are starting to get stale. I had tried to focus on the good things and happy thoughts. I tried to look at things from a fresh perspective. While I have a great team of direct reports, my job does not energize me anymore. If I am genuinely not motivated, I cannot truthfully motivate my team. I want to work for someone who I can look up to, someone I can respect and I want to get back to the time when work was fun and rewarding. 

By the way, I read many articles about craving out time for work, family, community and self so one can me whole or happy. I tried to focus more on myself and friends, it helped a bit but it does not move the needle. Ultimately, my first priority is my job. As long as I don't feel good about the job front, I cannot be truly happy. 

Back to my erratic sleep pattern and as a result of that sleep deprivation which I have not quite figured it out yet. I suspect it may be a culmination of events. My anger towards my roommate who put a wedge in my moving schedule, my house renovation is progressing slowly and I am still in the midst of my job search. I had applied for 2 jobs of very different discipline.  Both jobs were very attractive in their own special way.  I was told I was not selected for one of the jobs. It took me a day or two before I truly felt the impact of the news. What a bummer! Naturally, I have the inclination that I will not get the other job too. Typically, human tendency to focus on the negative. Well, I am only human.

Yesterday, I stumbled onto Elizabeth Gilbert's TedTalk presentation -

Elizabeth Gilbert - Success, Failure and the Drive To Keep Creating. I love it. It is inspiring and will be my guiding post as I get through this career hump in my life. I will definitely come back to this video time and time again. It reminds me to stay true to myself. From the job front, my true vocation is to be technical even when I lead a team. I really needed this talk and I am grateful that I stumbled onto it. I am keeping my fingers' cross on the second job application. Even if I were not selected for the second job, I will feel despair and rejection. But it is alright. I will go through the flow of emotions and look at other options. By the way, I think every 30-year old should read Eat, Pray, Love. 

I Am Learning To Juggle

A shift in perspective certainly broadens the way I react to situations. Like any normal being, I am predisposed to negativity and am partial to negative outcomes. I challenged myself to a 21-day grateful diet where I took the time to pay tribute and to express gratitude to events that surrounded my life both the good and the bad. It is a worthwhile exercise.

A week prior to my Washington D.C. vacation with my boyfriend, I was busy meeting contractors during lunch time to get quotes for home remodeling. One contractor came highly recommended by a colleague as she has a good experience with the contractor. To her, he listens and his quote is reasonable. I had a grand plan for my remodeling project, it was almost a makeover for the entire house. Like any first time homeowner, I quickly came to the realization I have to cut back due to cost and practicality. Sadly, I am destined to put my dream of a white french kitchen on hold perhaps until I move in with my boyfriend.

The first contractor has grounded me about my remodeling dreams at the same time, I also realized we don't see things eye to eye. While I appreciated his perspective, he did not grasp  what is important to me in the remodeling project. To him, my project is a pie in the sky. Too frivolous and totally unnecessary. I trimmed my list before meeting the second contractor. I liked his demeanor and overall a good feeling about him for the job. He was referred by my realtor where he has remodeled her client's home. I did not have time to do a referral check and he would most definitely be my plan B. The third contractor,Steve was a referral from my friend, Chris. I picked Steve because of Chris would help me negotiate the quote, Chris has employed Steve to remodeling his rental houses and Steve wants to make things nice and practical at the same time.

While I was on my multiple museum visits, I was also finalizing the renovation quote with Chris. We went back and forth texting about the details.I am glad that we agreed on the price and timing. I am grateful for my boyfriend for being so understanding. I can be difficult and a very difficult person to live with. At the beginning of the vacation, I was lamenting over and over again about the things I have to do and how everything seems to happen at the same time- the renovation, vacation and new opportunities at work. While these are all goodness, I viewed them as chores, mundane to-dos. I could not see things on the bright side. I was so full of myself. I acted foolishly and was such a whiner. It took me a while to realize how fortunate I am to have choices and the ability to do the things I do. These privileges did not fell out of the sky, I had to put a lot of effort to get to this point. It is a nice place to be when there is options.

Also while I was vacationing in D.C., my roommate emailed me to find out about my schedule to move out. Based on his email, it was apparent to me that he has found a place and wants to move quickly. This definitely threw a monkey wrench to my plan. I am beyond furious with him. My first thought is he votes with his penis now that he has a new girlfriend. These days I feel like an intruder in my own home as I have unfortunately overheard his girlfriend loud gasping and moaning during coitus at different hours of the day and night. It is a few times too many. A close friend remarked that if I were a male, I would high five him instead of feeling disgruntled. While sex is a normal part of life, I am not into fraternity lifestyle. Sorry, I digress. Based on our last conversation, he decided not to move with me but to take over the lease for two months more before he decides what to do since he is really busy. With his timing in mind, I plan to move out mid January because I have allocated time delay in renovation and I will be away for Christmas. Now, I have to bring forward the move. I am grateful that I have friends to take me in for a month should the renovation be delayed. I am relieved I have a plan before speaking to my roommate.

I am thankful for my understanding boyfriend, friends and renewed views on events in life. It is just another day and note to self,  plan changes all the time.

Grateful Diet - Final Day 21

I decided to challenge myself to the Grateful Diet for 21 days suggested in this link 

http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/10/how-to-use-gratitude-to-get-rich/.

Like anything else, practice makes perfect. To hone one's skill, one must practice regularly. 

Whether it is yoga or rock climbing or gratitude, these activities have to be done regularly to stay in tuned and to benefit from it. As I reflect on the 21-day journey, the practice of gratitude helped me to broaden my perspectives and be more appreciative of whatever that is revolving around me.  

I am grateful that I stuck out with the challenge. I am grateful to www.blogger.com , without writing my grateful diet on a public website, there is a high chance I would have dropped the practice within the first week. 

Grateful Diet - Day 20

My plate is full.  I received key to the house from the realtor on Sunday.  I have been busy meeting contractors daily to view and provide me the quote for remodeling before I leave for vacation tomorrow. At first, I had grand ideas like remodeling the kitchen to have white cabinets with black soapstone countertop and white subway tiles for the backsplash, remodel the bathrooms entirely and the list go on and on.  After I got a sense of the renovation cost, I am more grounded now.  I am grateful to have the opportunity to dream and think big, grand and luxurious. 

As day goes by, after speaking to different contractors, my renovation list has dwindled significantly and focused on the high priorities only. I am meeting another contractor this afternoon who is a referral from a close friend. I am looking forward to shortlist the contractor for the job and move on to the next phrase. I am grateful to get referrals from people I trust and now it boils down to picking one from the list. 

Grateful Diet - Day 19

All in all is was a good at work. A few weeks back, I was presented with the opportunity to apply for a new role within my company. The job requisition is finally approved and I was encouraged to apply. The hiring manager provided me some guidance on things that I should add to drive the discussions with the interviewers. Today, I was presented with another job opportunity and was encouraged to apply for the role. I am grateful and humble by the opportunities ahead of me. 

We are all free agents in corporate america. It is imperative to fend and fight for ourselves. If thing does not go well, the onerous is on us to fix it and face it head on. I had an epiphany moment when I read about employees are free agents in "What got you here won't get you there" by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith. I am grateful to myself for not sitting around and let others dictate my work life. I am grateful that I went out of my comfort zone to seek out new job opportunities. While I have ways to go before I find a new job, I grateful that I took the step to reach out to others.  

Grateful Diet - Day 18

I sprained my ankle and even after 2 months, it still impedes my ability to assume the lotus pose or to complete the sequence for shoulder stand. A coworker swears on acupuncture as the best solution for sports related injury.  I went his recommended Chinese physician for acupuncture. I left my belongings on the table and proceed to lie down on a massage table. After he massaged my left ankle, he applied a few needles and electrotherapy around my ankle. I lay on the massage table without my phone for a good 30-minute. I am grateful from the short respite away from my cell. I was thinking about home remodeling without the constant interruption of checking my phone. It is good to break away at least for awhile. 

Grateful Diet - Day 17

Work life balance is a bunk. The current fab is work life integration. A more realistic approach about integrating work with other facets of life - home or family, community and self. When I was younger, work was really important. It was important compare to other aspect of my life because I want to be financial independent, I want to crave out a career and I want to be successful. When work wasn't going my way, I have been devastated thinking that I do not have options, I am stuck period.

I have changed. I have learned that there is more to life than work. And most importantly, there is always other options. It is imperative to surround myself with people of the same beliefs and passion. I have spread out my focus between work, home, community and self. I am grateful that I went down this path.

Work is not rosy at the moment, I feel that I am not being challenged, I roll my eyes when I am on conference calls with certain people at work. I am not eager to suggest improvements. I feel stifled after the new organization is in placed. In the past, I would hate myself and drown in misery and self-pity. I am grateful that I take a different perspectives. While I continue to do what I was told at work, I am actively looking for opportunities and talking to people about interesting opportunities. My other aspect of life is keeping me sane until I can change my working condition. I am grateful for the new perspective.

Grateful Diet - Day 16

What a busy Saturday! I went to Levi's Stadium to watch high school football. There were 2 games scheduled on Satuday. I was a game between  Oakdale and Manteca.  My game buddy and I were under the preconceived notion that it would have been remotely possible for us to get seats to 49ers game thus we bought the tickets for the game weeks ago. The funny thing is we went to a 49ers game before this game.  I am grateful that we went to the game to experience the game sitting in one of those expensive seats when 49ers are playing. We sat at 143 area and it was very close to the field. I appreciate the experience.

While in the stadium, I remotely setup the recording for the NLCS game between Giants and Cardinals. I am grateful for the convenience that technology brings to modern life. In case I don't get home in time, I can watch the recording. We decided to leave 10 minutes into the second game. Instead of staying home, I made a hair appointment while leaving the stadium.

As I was sitting in the saloon waiting for the color to set, it donned to me that nothing changes in this Saloon.  I see the same hairdressers at the beauty parlor for the last 8 years.  As one of them was leaving from work, I felt that their life seem so monotonous. Sometimes I crave the slow pace in life but not their way. At work , things change frequently and churn is pretty high.  There are a lot of highs and lows at work. I think I prefer my life over theirs. Ironically for me to say this, I am grateful to the fast pace environment that I live in.

Grateful Diet - Day 15

I am grateful to have friends who I can pour my heart and soul to. Friends enrich my life, bring me joy and at times disappointment too. Friends inspire me and friends may also let me down. Friends support each other or friends may drag me down.  Everything happens for a reason. I am grateful to have a pool of friends who plays a role in different facet of my life journey.

Grateful Diet - Day 14

I made Ruth Reichl's Last Minute Chocolate cake last weekend and I have the last 2 pieces in my cubicle. I am grateful for the wonderful quick, easy and delicious cake recipe. I am even more grateful that I have the last few pieces to devour on this morning. It is a great way to start the day!

I am grateful to my friend Chris who is helping me out as I embark in my very first home remodeling project. I am blessed to have many friends that provide me pointers and references and also share their horror stories in their respective remodeling projects. My friends stressed that it is imperative to get multiple quotes, have them itemized and etc. At first , I looked at it as a drag as renovation is work for me. I am beginning to get excited to spruce up my very first home. I am also grateful that I have the ability to own a house. It is a privilege and I am honored and I am proud about it. I will encounter challenges and I will have to make trade offs. At the end of the day, I must remind myself it is my own home and I want to do it right by me and also within budget.

Grateful Diet - Day 13

I am grateful to live in the bay area. Yesterday, I witness live San Francisco Giants victory  against Washington Nationals in the National League Division Series. I have never expected that I would get to see a post season game live as the tickets are hard to come by and I have to contend to pay exorbitant prices for the tickets. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Lo and behold, a co-worker offered to sell his postseason tickets a day before the game and at face value. I am grateful to my co-worker for his generosity.  I took the rare offer and I had a blast last night.

Grateful Diet - Day 12

My roommate has shared with me last night that he will not be moving with me to my new place. I wasn't disappointed to hear it. It is a bummer that my financial situation maybe altered a little. It is too early to tell.  While he is a good roommate, I suppose it is time for us to part ways again. We have shared a dwelling for a few years before we went on separate ways. Then we became roommate again when my previous roommate moved to France. Déjà vu! We will part ways in a few months. I am grateful to have him as a roommate all these years and I welcome a new change.

Grateful Diet - Day 11

I was offered to takeover two tickets for game 4 between Giants and Nationals. I am grateful for the opportunity to watch the game live at AT&T park. My game buddy is excited too and she cancelled tutoring for tomorrow night. We will be off to the ballpark tomorrow.

I am grateful to my friend, Chris for offering his expertise in home renovation. I am just starting the journey and I appreciate all help I can get to. A coworker's husband also offered to help me out when negotiating with contractors. People care and want to help. I am really grateful and fortunate for my good fortune.

Grateful Diet - Day 10

When I turned 40,  it suddenly donned to me that I need to have a better handle of my personal finance so that I can retire comfortably. As I embarked in the journey, I read and reread the Bogleheads books about retirement and investment. When I was reading any articles or books on personal finance a few years back, I wasn't interested and it did not inspire me to dig deeper nor take any action. Now, with my renew perspective about personal finance, these books seem to be more meaningful, online articles are interesting reading material and inspire me to dig deeper. I am grateful for the self awakening and I appreciate my ex-roommate who left the Boglehead book behind when she moved to Paris, France. Check out 'Financial Samurai' , it is a blog about personal finance. It is my weekend go-to personal finance site. I am grateful for Sam Dogen for creating the blog.

I also received guidance from a co-worker to actually helped me get things started. Without his mentorship, I would not have made so much progress in such a short time. I have diversified my investment portfolio and became a first time homeowner.  He introduced me to ETFs, Index Mutual Funds, IRA Roth, call and put options ( been there done that,  I am not ready for call and put options yet. For now, I am a small investor and not a trader. No call and put options for me). I am off to a good start so I am grateful to him. Investment is a marathon not a sprint and my investment is focused on  long term growth.  I have to review my investment portfolio and rebalance it from time to time - the very least yearly. There are a lot of useful information on the web and people to talk to. I learn from Boglehead that it is important to keep the cost low too.  I am grateful to dabble into  personal finance literature and am more in tuned to learn more too.

Grateful Diet - Day 9

It is nice to sleep on my own bed after being out for a week. It is even nicer that Giants won game 1 while Dodgers lost game 1. I am grateful that I watched both games in the comfort of my own home.

I always experience a renewal sense of energy when I go on a trip whether it is for work or vacation. I am grateful to the flow of new ideas that came to me through reading while on the plane, self reflection and from talking to people of different walks of life. I am grateful for the injection of new perspectives and experiences after each trip. 

I would typically ponder about each trip during the return flight. I am grateful to step out of my routine. I have decided that it is time to build a professional personal brand through social media. I am learning to code using Python and will start a new blog site about my journey learning Python. This trip also reminded me to seek out and strengthen my commitment to my beliefs and values. I am grateful for the reminder.

Grateful Diet - Day 8

I caught a flight from RDU to LAX at 7:16am EST this morning. It was awfully early and I did not get a good night sleep for fear that I might overslept. I am grateful that I reached the airport ahead of time. On top of that, I had a pleasant surprise for I got upgraded to first class.  With first class seat, it came with a gourmet breakfast and several rounds of snack.  Not forgetting the free flow of refreshment. I am grateful to become a novelty air traveler for my 5-plus-hour leg.

For my second and final leg to SJC, I was automatically put on wait list for upgrade and was the third in line to get upgraded. Though I did not get upgraded the second time round. I am grateful to have a very pleasant companion for the short flight. He was born, raised and currently works in Hawaii. He went to college in San Diego and later returned to Hawaii. Hopefully, I recalled correctly, he works in a research lab to breed algae. He is visiting his friend(s) in Monterey for 5 days then head out to Detroit. He traveled solo to South America for 7 months and sent hand written post cards to family. I told him I love old school practices. He almost went completely off the grid during that trip except when he dropped into internet cafe to email his family sporadically.  I am grateful to meet someone who has a completely different life trajectory than me and someone who has no affiliation with high tech. I am envious of his free spirit and I appreciate his pleasant demeanor. I hope he has an awesome time in the bay area and have a lot of fun at his friend's wedding.

Grateful Diet - Day 7

I am grateful that San Francisco Giants won the Wild Card Game against Pittsburg Pirates.  It was an outstanding performance by every player especially Bumgarner and Crawford. The winner takes it all game! I am excited that Giants continues into the postseason with their 8-0 win against Pirates.

I had a wonderful evening with a few ex-coworkers last night. It was a great catch up session and to finally ate at Justin's favorite Japanese restaurant in Raleigh. I am grateful that we kept in touch all these times. I am grateful to Facebook for stringing us together as friends. Kind of low maintenance friends and it works out well.

Grateful Diet - Day 6

I had dinner with Richard, an ex-coworker. I am happy to see him and that he is doing very well. We talked about football, baseball and ice hockey.  If I were to follow an ice hockey game, I follow the puck. Unfortunately,  I lose the puck more often than I follow one and always during the most exciting times. He reminded me about how fortunate I am to have popular home teams in all three franchaise sports. I am grateful that I have easy access to live matches close to home. Perhaps one day, I will learn to appreciate ice hockey.

I shared with Richard about my long distance relationship and my affinity with all things french. I am partial towards fluent french speaking guys. He was genuinely happy for me  that I finally have a boyfriend and most importantly, he does not probe further. He is truly a good friend. I and grateful for him for respecting my privacy.

I talked to both John, a coworker and Richard about the best way to educate the millennials.As millennials, this generation plays a lot of games especially online games. An effective way to expose or incentivize them to learn is through games, thus when considering product training for them, leaveraging the gaming platform may very well be a viable training strategy for this demographic of new users. I am grateful to discuss employee product education with people who share the same perspective. It was a breathe of freash air and invigorating. Also, we covered a lot of bases. I am grateful for the idea sharing conversations.

Grateful Diet - Day 5

I am on a business trip this week. I am grateful that my designated cab driver is on time to send me off to the airport as usual. I am grateful for the uneventful flight to the east coast.
I came across a self-improvement book - Promote Yourself by Dan Schawbel from one of the newsstands at San Jose Airport. I bought the book because there is an endorsement from Susan Cain and I would like to uncover what's the new rules for career success. By the way, Susan Cain is the best selling author for 'Quiet'. As an introvert, I appreciate the endorsement from an intellectual introvert. With the presence of  Amazon online bookstore, Kindle  and iBook,I hardly go to the book store. The only time I  would only spend time in a bookstore is when I am in the airport. I am grateful for the opportunity to scan through books and magazines.

Grateful Diet - Day 4

I am grateful to live in the bay area, home to San Francisco Giants and San Francisco 49ers. Yesterday, I witness live Niners' first victory at Levi's Stadium. I am proud that I have bragging rights for being there in person for this historic event. SWEET!

I am grateful that I have a game buddy and we have been to a few live games this year. We have been to both winning and losing home games. The atmosphere on game day is just different. Perhaps, it cultivate a sense of community and camaraderie among fans. Fans donned on their favorite jersey. It was a sea of reds and gold at the stadium. It gets the heart pumping when your team is leading. When your team is trailing behind, the faithful fans will cheer them on.

I am grateful that we could park at my work place and take the VTA to the stadium. It was very convenient and we saved $20 on parking.

Grateful Diet - Day 3

I have been in my current role for 6 years and I have made up my mind that it is time for me to seek other opportunities inside and outside of my current employment. I am not looking to move up the management ladder but to seek out activities and responsibilities that will challenge and broaden my perspectives in my professional portfolio and personal development. I am grateful for the culmination of events that has helped me to come to this conclusion. While everything from a career perspective is up in the air, from a grand scheme of things, it is not too bad and also it is all about finding out about myself.

The Roosevelts: An Intimate History by Ken Burns is featured on PBS.org. I have watched the first few of the seven part documentary series. I am grateful to learn about their history – Theodore, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelts. Most profoundly how they individually overcame personal obstacles that are so raw and their relentless focus to positively transform the nation.  I am looking forward to watch the entire series. I am grateful to the people who created and made the documentary available to the public.

I have also came across Ernest Hemingway's quote "The world breaks everyone, and afterwards many are strong at the broken places". I am grateful to come across this quote. In my opinion the quote poignantly describes an aspect of life whether you are a public figure or just a mere individual. I want to come out strong whenever I can and whenever it makes sense.  Whenever I falter, I want to draw the lessons of life and become a happier and fulfilling individual.

I saw Kathryn Schulz TED video "Don't regret regret".  I am grateful that she shared her perspectives on regret. Despite waiting for awhile before getting her tattoo, she instantly regretted it after she walked out of the tattoo parlor. I like her tattoo - it's a compass, it has a meaningful reminder to her.  Her intent was for the tattoo to remind her to continue to explore and simultaneously not forget her true north.

Grateful Diet - Day 2

As I was getting onto I-880 S from 6th Street in Oakland, I hit the curb and had a flat tire. I parked my car snugly  at the side of the ramp and called AAA Emergency Services. My flat tire was replaced quickly and I was on the road again.

I am grateful to have good emergency services.
I am grateful that no cars hit me while I was parked at the side of the freeway.
I am grateful that I have a spare tire in my trunk otherwise my car will have to be tolled all the way back to San Jose.
I am grateful to Aaron from AAA Emergency Services for replacing the flat tire with a spare one.
I am grateful that I know a good tire repair in my area.
I am grateful that I can drive safely from Oakland to San Jose on the right most lane at 55 mph.
Driving is a necessity instead of a fun activity for me. Despite having to drive from San Jose to Oakland twice yesterday in the span of 3 hours, I am grateful that I was calm and collected throughout the situation.
I am grateful to the 21-day Grateful Diet Challenge which allows me to focus on gratitude instead of feeling lousy about the situation
I am grateful that the tire repair is open on Saturdays.
I have to change out the battery for my watch. I am grateful to the convenience in proximity between the tire report and the watch repair shop.

Grateful Diet - Day 1

I am grateful to have the opportunity to work and live in different countries.
I am grateful that I can call California my home.
I am grateful that my childhood life in Malaysia introduced me to living in a multiracial society
I am grateful that I can appreciate different cultures and enjoy some of them every much
I am grateful for my good health and that weight is not an issue for me
I am grateful that I am surrounded by inspiring people that motivate me, energize me and pick me up when I am down
I am grateful that I started the journey of being a first time home owner
I am grateful to have siblings that are sensible and independent
I am grateful to have people that I can pour my heart and soul to - Mila, Paige and LeeAnn
I am grateful to have an understanding boyfriend

Perfection Is Overrated

The first time I colored my hair was during my varsity days in Australia. I was convinced by a roommate. She said "It is really easy" and it was really easy but a little messy. I had a lot to clean up after coloring my hair. I left a trail from the dining room all the way to the bathroom. Despite the clean up effort, she did a great job with my hair. I was showered with compliments about my new red hair. It was a one time deal and most importantly it was a hassle to clean up after the fact.

Fast forward a few years, when my grey started to bother me especially at the sides, that signified the beginning of my hair coloring journey. I was frugal at the beginning so I colored on my own. Also, it was not cheap to get it done in the saloon. I became quite efficient and I don't have a lot of clean up when I colored on my own.  

I started coloring my whole head every 4 months then every 3 months then every 2 months and then every month. Today, I suspect 80% to 85% of my hair is gray. I get overly conscious if someone taller is standing behind me at the grocery checkout when my grey is visible from the crown of my head. I worked in a tech company and it is not uncommon for me to be the only female in the meeting room. I remembered one time when I glanced at the attendees in the room where everyone had salt and pepper colored hair. I thought to myself I could join the guys if I hadn't colored my hair. 

The annoyance of seeing my grey got the better of me. My grey is well distributed all over my head. When I colored on my own, either I can't reach some of the grey at the back of my head or I have shimmering strains of red hair all over. Clearly, my ability to color my own hair has deteriorated as more grey gradually dominated my head.

Fortunately, a friend introduced me to a great hairdresser and I have been going to her every month for the last 5 years or so. I thought I am all set in the hair department. Again, my grey got the better of me and the sight of grey approximately a centimeter long at the hairline split got under my skin every fortnight.  

While I am determined not to go to the hairdresser every 2 weeks to conceal my grey, I had to do something as the sight of the grey is irksome to me. I have a plan. I will continue to go to my hairdresser on a monthly basis and in between visits, I will color my own hair. I started to touch up my entire head.  A few iterations of my own coloring,  I came to the realization that the grey along my hairline split and the peripheral of my forehead are the most annoying to me. 

I tweaked my plan. Instead of coloring my entire head between visits, I just color the hair on the top of the crown. It worked. Let's face it , I am my own worst critique.  I was pretty elated to realize that I was perfectly fine just concealing the grey on the top of the crown.  

When it comes to hair and perhaps many things in life, I will strive for practically over perfection. Seriously, perfection is overrated.  

   

Smell It, please

I feel bad.While some people are staving, I am throwing away perfectly unspoiled food because of my over-reliant on expiry labels. Since young, I was taught to determine by myself whether my food is still edible.  I was taught to smell my food. If the milk smells sour, then it is spoiled. If the egg smells funny, it is probably bad. If the rice has a sour taste, then it is spoiled too. If the house is redolent with burnt smell from the oven while the cake is still baking away, the cake is probably burnt and the oven temperature needs calibration. Recent years, I have ceded control to the expiry dates on food labels. I have learned to rely on the expiry date on labels and boycotted the power of smell.The moment has come for me to restore the sniff test  and trust the sense of smell that had served me well while I was a kid.

Human Element At Play

I love facts and recently, I am learning to pay more attention on the human element in problems or situations. For most things in life, subjectivity is at play. Human element can make or break a game, a negotiation and sometimes it can propel us further.

In baseball, the pitcher tries to scope out the strike zone of the umpire behind the plate and hopefully in the first few innings.  Determining whether a pitch swung at a ball or a strike is purely at the discretion of the umpire. Some umpires are known to have a narrow strike zone, some are inconsistent and some are partial to certain pitchers or batters. A seasoned pitcher will make adjustment to the situation and with a good pitching combined with strong defensive play, there is a high possibility to win the game.

The History Channel features American Pickers where Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz travel around the United States in a white van buying or picking from clients. What draws me to the series is the passion of the pickers for picking, the way they do the dance, how they break the ice with the clients and see them relish the moment when they found good buys. They conduct their business with respect and integrity to their clients and their trade. Mike and Frank would impart their practices on picking  - show interests in what the person is doing, don't give up easily and find a way to make a connection with the seller. It is about feeling someone out about their propensity to sell the item in question and close the deal in a win-win situation.  Love the way they do the dance and emerge triumphant for scoring good finds.

A sailboat can't sail directly against the wind. Instead, a sailboat sails in a zig-zag pattern against the wind to capture the wind. The irony is when the vessel harnesses the wind in just the right angle, it will sail faster than the wind. Bernoulli's Principle is at play here between velocity and pressure. There is fine adjustment on the curvature of the sail to harvest the wind and create the lift in the desired direction. One does not need to know the underlying physics principles to sail. At the end of the day, it is the combination of intuitive feel and practical experience of the sailor to get from point A to point B.

Adjustment is necessary. Adjustment should be made gradually. Experience matters. It takes time to ride the waves. Human element can make or break any situation. I see it clearly now.

Adios, Farewell And Good Bye To My Thirties

I will bid farewell to my thirties and usher in my 40th birthday this month. When I looked back, in the grand scheme of things, I have a spectacular thirties. Whether it was about career or about love or about self respect  or about health, I have a good run in my thirties. I have definitely learn to appreciate myself more, become less critical about myself and focus less on how people think about me.

I have battle scares that cut me really deep and hurt me really bad.  After my ex-french boyfriend left me for London/Paris, I was depressed and I just couldn't bring myself to eat for the first few days. When I watched Sex and The City, the movie, a few years later, I had an aha moment when Carrie was in the rut after Mr Big had jilted her. So that's what happens when someone has fallen out of love. While it will never get easier, at least I am emotionally prepared to handle myself appropriately.

I had experienced working with a version of boss from hell in my thirties. Thank god it was short lived when a senior leader intervened.  I chalked it up to style difference and the fact that we were not able to build a trust partnership.  It took me awhile before I realized that I was suffering from psychologically issues.  Instead of being temperamental prior to my menstrual period, I cried a lot. Sometimes I cried while driving to and from work and sometimes I just sat at my desk and cried.  I had lower abdominal pain and later found out that I had ovarian cyst/bubble. The moment that I was told that I no longer report to the boss from hell, my symptoms went away almost instantaneously. Vulnerability is gut wrenching piece of work! The two important takeaway from this experience were—what are some of the qualities of a boss from hell that I should never replicate and how stress can impact a human's well being. I should have taken action earlier. I know better now.

I respect individuals choice in sexual orientation and religious belief. When introduced to a gay person, it was normal for me. I have never been introduced to a homosexual couple until my mid thirties. I faux pas during the first introduction to a gay couple. I was dumbstruck immediately after the handshake. I don't know how to react then.  I was embarrassed for my behavior. Good news is I have gotten better at it.

Fitness has became an integral part of my lifestyle. When I was little, my monikers were "pencil" and  "chopstick" for I looked like a bamboo pole with long slim arms and a virtually non-existence derriere. I look so much better now. Yoga, rock climbing and running have sculpted my body. I have nice definition on my arms and I must say a pretty nice ass. Combine with the fact that I am more self-assured and confident, I carry myself far better than I did when I was younger. I like the mature me.

I am a late bloomer in the make up department. I can't fight it anymore as make up has creeped into my morning repertoire. It started out with perfume then lip gloss and now eye liner and bronzer or blusher. Today, I would not leave home without first putting on some eye liner and perfume. Without a doubt, I will add more along the way and contribute more to the beauty economy.

Whether it is managing the side effects of menopause, chemotherapy for breast cancer, having to succumbed to ovarian cancer,recovering after a lung transplant or caring for an autistic child, I saw the strength and resiliency in friends and friends of friends dealing with health issues of their own or caring for their love ones.  I salute them for their courage and perseverance in dealing with trials and tribulation of life. Their stories are reminders for me to take good care of my health. Even more now that I am hitting 40.

At this age and time, I would be remiss if I fail to mention social media. Facebook has enabled me to reconnect with my friends from primary, secondary and tertiary education. While I may not be close in proximity to my friends, I get a glimpse of their life from Facebook. It's a really special privilege though sometimes I take it for granted. It is really nice that I can compare notes about wellness and normalize the symptoms of aging with former classmates.This year I get to congratulate a lot of people on their 40th birthday on Facebook and age gracefully with them.

I have a long distance relationship with a very wonderful man. We have been seeing each other for a few years now. While the current arrangement works for us — spending time together at least 4 times a year and video conference calls on weekends.  I look forward to the time when we will take the next steps to live together.  Until then, we have a common goal to grow old together. We talked about lazy Sundays, reading newspapers and listening to classical music in the sunroom. I know it is in the horizon and plan to see through this goal of ours in my 40s and hopefully early 40s.

I learn to work with the reality of who I am and what's best for me. I learn to manage my energy over managing my time. I will bow out gracefully from my thirties and leap into my forties with great stride and self confidence. 

Mismatch socks à la mode

It is necessary to wear matching socks ? It seems to me that the rules have changed or times has changed. My french teacher's oldest daughter, a teenager, wears mismatch socks. She smiled and indulged me by sharing that she goes to school with mismatch socks too. It's her modus operandi. 

Her mum chimed in that she does not match up her clean socks and it is easier to settle with wearing mismatch socks.

When I was in Amsterdam, my boyfriend's teenage daughter also wore mismatch socks. When I observed two teenagers from different continents doing the same thing, I suppose this is the trend these days.  Recently, my french teacher's youngest daughter joined her sister.  Here's a picture of her creative match.

 

 Whether the motivation is to simplify the need to organize the socks drawer, to spark creativity or to draw attention, this is a new form of self-expression. I find it fun, inspiring and creative. If I were to do that when I was in missionary school, I would be sent to the principle's office. Oh... what a missed opportunity for self-expression during my youth.

Musing in San Francisco Airport

Two weeks ago, I was at San Francisco Airport to pick up my boyfriend who was here to celebrate Valentine's Day with me.  I was early so I sat facing the doors where people exited the immigration check point. It was a prime location where I had a good view of the people walking out and into the arrival lobby  and the television monitor that showed approaching passengers to the arrival lobby.

I was sitting right below the electronic arrival information dashboard. And I sat there for almost an hour. People were standing in front of me while glancing at the electronic dashboard. Many people came and went while I sat and waited. Nobody but a gentleman gave me a quick glance before looking up at the dashboard. 

It then donned to me that I was sitting at the most insignificant spot with the bird-eye view of my surrounding. The prime attraction at the spot was the information above my head. I was a nobody to my surroundings when I planted myself on the seat right below the dashboard. While I was waiting for him, my mind wondered. It is human nature to start with negative thoughts and I always make an appoint to counter balance it with positive ones. – Is being deference a virtue that I stand for? Did I stifle my life by being a conformist ? Am I always striving to blend in with crowd ? Am I afraid to be different ? Am I in the picture to make others look better in comparison ? I will take this time to absorb my surroundings especially what is fashionable from abroad. While others are not focused on me, I can reflect without interference. 

Like everyone else in the arrival lobby, the goal was to pick up someone and for me, it was my boyfriend.  I saw him approaching on the television monitor. I left my seat and scurried in front of the crowd. I planted a long kiss on his lips and we headed home. 

Iris Apfel .... inspiring indeed

I am marveled by Iris Apfel. She is probably one of the most rara avis people alive. She is a business woman, interior designer and fashion icon from New York.  And she is 92 years old. She wears a pair of flying saucer glasses and dresses in bold, bright exuberant outfits. She definitely stands out in a crowd with her charming, warm and whimsical outfits.

I know nothing about fashion and I cannot pull off wearing her outfits. It is the story behind the individual that energizes me. In my opinion, she exudes happiness and confidence.I am in awe of her commitment for being her own person. She surrounds herself with the things that make her happy. She is not afraid to be herself. I want to live life like her and be more comfortable under my own skin.

http://www.nytimes.com/video/t-magazine/100000002615161/iris-apfel-on-the-meaning-of-style.html

Happy New Year 2014 From Paris

My boyfriend and I kissed at the stroke of midnight in the RER between Pont de l'Alma and Champ de Mars  Tour Eiffel in Paris. The train stalled in between the stops. We wished each other Happy New Year surrounded by drunk youngsters and joyful cheer "Bonne Année". There were a lot of people  at the Eiffel Tower train stop. It took us almost 15 minutes to resurface from the station.

The sky was clear and the Eiffel Tower was beautifully lid up. While the place was crowded, when I looked up at the magnificent monument, I felt almost as if  it was just the Eiffel Tower and me. I immersed myself with the surrounding , took a few pictures like any faithful tourists and walked away.

Bonne Année à Tous!

Happy New Year! May 2014 be a great year for all of you!